Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
