yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
