I wish I could teleport
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
