Christians are straight up FREAKS
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Soap is not a condiment
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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