the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
did i just pee glitter
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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