I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
