I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need to calm my uterus...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
