You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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