I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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