Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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