I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
