just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
