So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
