1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
