It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
