Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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