who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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