Pants 0. Shit 1.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
