we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
