I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize