Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize