tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
