just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
