I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she smelled like a LAN party
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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