you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
