i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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