I just saw a hot homeless man
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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