Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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