Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
