is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
