walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
