Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
