that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
