I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
