non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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