I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
