yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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