I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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