I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It's blow job season.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
