I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
