Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I would ride that face into the sunset
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize