All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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