I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
