I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
