We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
