THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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