Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
