my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
