Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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