im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
