it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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