I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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