a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
