chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
