I wannas sexs uuuuu
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
