Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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