Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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