Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
